Disclaimer
I know I will create a great many enemies here coz of this research ... but I have to get it off my chest. It is in the spirit of humour so if I mention your name or something close to it … just laugh .. it doesnt refer to you and it is not meant to offend u at all… All the characters herein mentioned are ficticious.


Are u ready ? .. here we go

Introduction
I will not go into many details but I will start with the little sweet Kenyan gal in her childhood all the way to her golden years. I will discuss it in consecutive chapters within this paper.



Chapter 1: Princess have-it-my-way

She is in her childhood to teenage years .. and she is normally the last born of a well to do family and last but most important is that she is daddy’s gal. At her tender age she already knows which emotional blackmail buttons to push on her parents.
For example from when she is 5 till she is 18 and her birthday is round the corner .. daddy has no choice but to get a birthday cake, sodas, crisps, popcorn, a small band, queen cakes and all the sweets into the compound on the day where she has invited all her school mates.
To get daddy to do that u will hear a storo like “ Daddy … but Esther (daughter of a family friend) had her birthday in Splash .. we were all invited and they had a big cake and sweets … blab bla bla …” ..Daddy not wanting to be out done just unleashes the VISA card … get my drift …

Another example is when they are shopping with Mum .. they pitia a boutiques that has those trendy short skirts .. Mummy goes “ Hell no !!!” the little gal sulks and in between her sobs she tells mummy that Joan of the Kariuki’s arrived at the garden party with the same skirt … . The scheming beauty of that ka-statement is that Mrs. Kariuki and Mummy are kinda silent enemies .. u know .. the usual jealousy between women … each trying to out-do the other when it comes to family .. So mummy goes “Is that so ..? .. lets go and try it out .. “ .. They end up not only buying the skirt but also shoes, a nice shawl top and earrings to match … after all it all on daddy’s credit card (poor jamaa)

Bottomline is that she will always get what she wants … these are the signs of a drama queen in the makin…




Chapter 2: Miss “kujiskia sana”

Now she is over 18 but below 27…
.. her string of jamaaz takes over daddy’s jobo of organizing birthday parties and unleashing VISA cards…

PS .... and not just any jamaa , he has to fikisha the floss level of having a merc or a bima, nice apartment, and an appetite of bar hopping into all the tendy night spots … not to enjoy himself .. BUT for the chic to “be seen” there… ..

The Female Floss Power involved at the time is wild … If you ask her what perfume she is wearing .. we are talking of Givenchy kuendele juu .. of course si u jua the financier .. The shoes were bought in London, sijiu Gold earrings from Dubai na mambo ingine mengi…

Usually such mamaz know they are very marketable and they change jammaz like tampons .. BUT note .. if she kosanad with her jamaa the story is that she dumped him.. period ! usijaribu kusema anything otherwise you will be somewad a msomo u never heard b4.

Another thing is that they are usually in a good job, living in upmarket areas and driving a serious moti…

The most visible phenomenon is that these are the so called ” Liberated Women” .. for example..

1…. Kawa women want to be taken out, talked to (even if it sweet nothings) nicely, told that they look beautiful, that they are loved etc etc,,... Generally treated nicely the way they deserve to be treated.
BUT with all this breed of “miss kujiskia sana” mamaz doesnt want mob storoz... They get impatient and prefer the business-like "get to the point" approach even in social scenes..

2. .... They don’t want to be asked out ati so that they play shy and HARD to get - apana … If you are her current jamma and you dont take them OUT on Friday... with or without invitation... utaona !

3. .... They don’t want the jamma to pull a seat for them in a restaurant, - That is taken to be some form of oppression. This particular species pulls her own seat and promptly tells the male waiter that the seat has dust on it .. "Kwani is this restaurant this low class ? " with matharau... Her escort has to agree or else...

4. .... They don’t want to be dropped home after making out in the car on the first date, - ..If you are the jamaa and you dont shika shika and kula the thing hapohapo ...the you are not a REAL MAN. Utaskia rumours huko inje.. "aaahh leave that one alone... I thought he was an animal ..lakini he is just a teddy bear... "

5. .. Don’t make a mistake and think she will cook for you. NADA ! hapo umenoa. She will NEVER go out of her way to cook her jamma sumptuous dinner of spare ribs in mint sauce and roast potatoes and a bottle of red wine just to impress him,
- If such a suggestion came by you will here the jamaa being told .. ... "I cant cook", " "I am NOT your mboch" "Women dont belong to the Kitchen", " am not yr mama" aiii bana !

6.... these breed of mamaz DO NOT take wine .. they prefer 2 doubles FAMOUS GROUSE on the rocks - NEAT, alafu baadaye another two doubles for the road... If you are still a laid-back jamma who takes his quiet beer bila mambo mob .. chief ! … you will be picking the tab while still wondering what the fack is Famous Grouse

8... If she happens to live with the jamaa she will NOT stoop low into grooming her jamaa for example straightening his tie while looking into his eyes lovingly, - U will hear the jamaa being admonished "tumia kioo brother, kama huwezi nunua ile tie ya elastic. eeiii Chief .. bana...

9 . She smokes some rare sigara .. the kind that comes from Turkey or some exotic tobacco .. Isitoshe she and already juas which grade of WEED is good for yr sexual performance, and how it tastes. Utachoka na wao bana..


10. .. her dress code is not smart .. apana .. it has to be STUNNING and EXPENSIVE! period ! kama sivyo .. it’s a rug …. I dont even know why they bother to buy clothes. The size of material used to make skirts for these mamaz is inversely proportional to the cost of the skirt. The higher the cost the more fashionable it is...
Miniskirts these days are actually as long as the height of the belt used to fasten them...yaani the hem is sooooooo close to the waist mpaka u think she is just wearing the belt ONLY !!


If you are jamaa and you are looking for a wife .. please tafadhali .. do not link up with these type .. u will live to regret …



Chapter 3: Tired Thirty Yeared

Now the mama had fikad that ka-stage where she realises that her market potential has kwishad because there is serious compe from newly graduated chics straight from colle into a hot job, better figure , has a twang .. etc etc.

She is now between 26 and 32 … All the jammaz who she used to date have fled…

She is desperate for a husband now that the biological clock is ticking .. BUT she still has remnants of BAD HABITs she took on when she was a miss kujiskia sana.. They have this knack of getting into the nerves of jammaz without saying a word..

She has lost that slim figure now .. she is abit more rounded and lines of experience begin to etch themselves on her face…

I dont know how to explain this but the below example is of one of them a friend took out last year .. You remember that storo …. Here is how it went ..

PS. That chic is a Kikuyu.com member

Chic: (calls jmburus .. my friend) "Hello... Sasa Jamo.. its Sato bana.. si we do some nyama ?"

jmburus: Thinking he will get some that night quickly agrees... "Sawa sweetie.. how about buffet park Shall I pick u at 2 ?"

Chic: Sawa.. laterz.

(jmburus amukas from Friday's hengies , showers , jeans n polo shirt, pockets a pack of condoms , then drives to the chics crib..

So at 2-ish they drive into Buffet park and pitia the butchery to order the nyaks.

jmburus (to chic) : So what do u want to have .. ?

Chic: just anything...

(aki these women are just thick at times... sasa hiyo ni jibu gani)

jmburus (to butcher): Weka hizo mbavu , kilo moja na nusu , choma, ... ikuje na kachum... *..**

(chic interrupts jmburus ! )

chic: APANA eeiishh ! Si you know I dont eat goat meat

(jmburus thinks to himself... " Really !... then why didnt you say so in the first place, nugu hii")

jmburus: (To chic) How about beef then ?

chic: Its ok so long as it is not fat and not the legs. I dont like mathunya

(jmburus looks away and rolls eyes up .. thinks to himself... "ati fat, you are already carrying a 40 kilo MATAKO, surely ... 2 grams of fat are negligible)

jmburus: (to an already impatient butcher) basi si unitafutie ngombe haina mafuta.

(butcher chucks a ki-nice piece from the hangers hapo nyuma and holds it up for mburus to see)

jmburus: weka hiyo nione...

(as the butcher is weighing it on the scale.. chic point at a small ,.. very very small piece of fat on the meat)

chic: Hiyo iko na mafuta mingi sana, tuonyeshe ingine...

(butcher curses .. under his breath)

(other hungry buyers who are waiting hapo kando start fidgeting)

(jmburus feels like he should just have ordered fish fry from those fat jang'o women they pitad on their way in)

(chic points at a fresh carcass of meat ... somewhere near where the meat is hanging from such that is impossible to extract a piece without the entire carcass falling down on the floor)

Chic: kata pale ...

butcher: hapo haiwezekani mama .. kula hii ndio fiti

(butcher attempts to return the piece back on the scale)

Chic: Apana !.. Hauna nyama zingine kwa store...

jmburus: (to chic) lets do this... let him fry that one, I will eat the mathunya pieces ama... ?

chic: OK

jmburus: (to butcher) Fanya iwe fry na uweke nyanya, dhania na spinach. Ongeza ugali mbili...

chic: (to jmburus) .. Ugali ? me I dont want ugg.. Dont they have chipos.

chic: (to butcher) leta na ugali moja na chips mbili

(jmburus thinks to himself... no wonder the butt is 40Kgs.. sasa u avoid animal fat then u kula half a gunia of chipoz .. talk about nyani haoni kundule)

Butcher: KAMAU !!! Oya nyama ino ! ni furae , na wikire nyanya, dhania na spinashi. ndugekire waaru..

(butcher pins the meat with a tag and tosses it to kamau in the kichen behind him)

Butcher : Sawa... shika resiti .. namba yako ni 53.. Itachukwa ithaa moja ...

jmburus pays the butcher and chukuwas the receipt and tag

So we enter the open space of the club and sit down. Waiter comes , jmburus orders his cold Tusker, chic orders her malt..


We kunywa kidogo.. storoz panda... then there is this mama who pitaz a tray of oil oozing samosas , sausages and mshikakis..

Chic: we psst ppstt nipe samosa mbili na hiyo nini ...

jmburus: (shocked).. haiya si u wait for the meat..

Chic: I will still kula the meat...

jmburus: ok

(and she proceeds to kula 2 samoz and 3 mshikakis)

One hour 20 minutes later .. the Waiter comes round with maji moto for washing hands.. we wash our hands and the the meat checks in with the chipos and the Ugali all hot steaming and looking nice...

"Bonne Appetit" ! .. Karibu Nyama " ... Jmburus invites the mama and thinks to himself.. now she will really shiba...

LAKINI WAPI !

Yaani after all that shiet, she just hen pecks about the platter of meat here and there BUT proceeds to maliza the 2 plates of chipoz having eaten only 3 pieces of nyama.

As if that is NOT ENOUGH ... 3 minutes later:
Chic: tsk! tsk! chief...tsk! tsk! Waiter ! niletee serviettes pliz..na toothpicks

jmburus: (cursing silently ) why arent you eating nyama....

chic: I have shibad deadly plus I started feeling my ulcers ... Si u jua the way they can be nasty..

(without another word jmburus proceeds to kula what he can and asks waiter to pack the rest of the meat in a juala)


Jmburus patias waiter the now wrapped remaining meat to peleka to his car ...
... Then he fungulias the carburattor (sp ) "LETA TUSKER mbili na MALT Mbili" as they wait for the Arsenal Match coming on the screens in about 20 mins..

Beers, Storoz, the game.... more beer flows... After kindu like 2 hours... to the amazement of jmburus...

Chic: tsk! tsk! chief...tsk! tsk! niitie yule mama wa sambusa...


...(jmburus closes his eyes and thinks silently... we should just have headed to Topaz..Fish n chips... )

PS: Conclusion : TABIA MBAYA … That was the last time Jamo took her out. !



Chapter 4: Drama Queen Proper

Here she is above 35, married to an unfortunate jamaa and rules the house with an iron fist. Her entire life now is just PURE DRAMA.

These kind of mamaz now have a university degree like BSc Animal Husbandry, MSc,(Nairobi) Phd. (Warwick)

NOTE: put emphasis on the word "HUSBANDRY"
You can all guess who the animal is ... ( the unfortunate husband)


I think I will just go into the examples so that you can see the DRAMA involved ..


EXAMPLE 1

This is a storo of a jamaa called Kamau Maina
and his wife Her Excellency, Mrs. Mama-Kali Maina BSc (Hons), MSc, PhD Animal Husbadry… EBS.

.. so some time ago kamau fikas home from the pub after curfew hours having bought a box of chocolate .. ati za kujitetea .. he parks the car and ingias the digs all smiles.. pretending to be the caring GENTLEMAN etc etc ..this is how it went...


Kamau: "Hi honey..."
(with open hands... and proceeds to approach her so that he can kiss her cheek)

SSSLLLLLAAAAAAPPPPPP!!!!!!!!
(Kamau's face meets a SOLID SLAP.. the kind that chucks SPARKS)

Kamau: "What the f...."

WHAAAAPPPPPPPP !!!!!!!!
(a nyahunyo whip cracked on kamau's back..... kamau senses Kumethúka !! and chucks to the end of the room @140mph)

... DRAMA BROKE LOOSE.

Mama Kali: "WHERE HAVE U BEEN NA WHO HAVE U BEEN WITH ? EH? WHO IS SHE ???!!!"
Kamau: (stammering) " err err err hapa tu sweetie ?"
WHAAAAPPPPPPPP !!!!!!!! (a nyahunyo whip cracks near kamau)

JESUS !!

He was handcuffed and locked up in the cell and given a 3 hour lecture.
(By the way, she has a cell in the house where she locks up culprits and felons (aka husband) who come home late and drunk )

As if that wasn’t enough Kamau was made to swear with a bible in his right hand that

" Mimi Kamau Maina,... naapa ya kwamba nitakua muaminifu kwa Rais wa Nyumba hii, Mheshimiwa Mrs. Mama-Kali Maina na nitailinda Katiba ya nyumba hii kwa mujibu wa sheria iliyowekwa na Mrs. Maina, na nitatekeleza kazi zangu kama Makamu wa Rais, bila mapendeleo yeyote kwa GACHUNGWA ama MWANAMKE ama mwengine …...... EWE MWENYEZI MUNGU NISAIDIE. "


After being SWORN IN.... he was sentenced to 7 hours in the cell DAILY, for a month, without food and water. Sex was postponed to August 2009. No possibility of parole.

He tried to appeal the next day with chocolate and flowers, but he didn’t get anywhere.

With all time to spend in the cell ,Kamau was inspired and actually wrote a book about his life and experiences ... The book is titled ..
..."LIVING WITH A DRAMA QUEEN" .
That book served as a literature review for this research.


EXAMPLE 2

This one happened juzi tu on the 2nd of January 2006 after a ushering in the new year

On that day some drama took place that shocked the daylights out of the ka-local pub where I indulge in Tusker baridi. We were waiting for the Liverpool match with a number of chaps.. The bar was not very crowded and everyone was talking about the Orange/banana wrangles and about them being obsolete... as we sipped the cool booze..

Punde si punde .. some chicks checked in and greeted the jammaz.. those who are close.. a ka-hug or peck on the cheeks... others a warm handshake.. "happy new year" "how was shags ?" etc etc..

There was this chic who walked in last.. looking detatched from the group. She actually WAS NOT with them.. but the jammaz didnt notice that fact.. everyone was busy hugging, pecking and admiring the diffrent sizes of juicy thuthas as the chics swaggered into the bar

So this "last" chic shakes the hand of the first guy, second guy, third guys .. then WWWHHHAAAPPPPPP!!!!! she SLAPPED the fourth jamaa soooo HARD that I was sure I heard echoes ricocheting off the walls . YAANI.. I am talking about the kind of SLAP that chucks sparks DAMN !

Then she screamed at the jamaa "TOKA INJE SAA HII !!!" .. .. "HAPA NDIO UNAKUJA KUSHIKASHIKA WANAWAKE WENGINE ? EH ?"
WWWHHHAAAPPPP !!!! another 40kg SLAP landed on the jamaa.. who was still groggy .. recovering from the first onslaught..

Then she turned to us ..... "NYINYI NDIO MUNAHARIBU BWANA YANGU ?" ... the ferocious look on her face was enough to send me , my jamaaz, the barman and the other tu-chics scampering for safety ..

That is when we put two n two together and guessed that this was the WIFE of the jamaa... The jamaa was then frog matched outside .. after which we came out of our hiding holes.. asking tha barman if .. "Mama ametoka ?".
..The storos after that centred on how "mamas " have become bad bad bad...

THOSE ARE THE SO CALLED DRAMA QUEENS



Chapter 5: Drama Cucus

This category is well beyond menopause but they they perpetually in BITCH MODE 24 /7 .. the people who get the brunt of this BITCH MODE are the unfortunate tu-daughters and tu-sons in law.
The husband will usually have grown ear plugs over the years and will have learn how to ignore the mama when she erupts occasionally …

I don’t have a better example except our one and only Lucy Muthoni Kibaki..
See her in action this URLs
http://www.eastandard.net/media/lucy%20kibaki.avi
And this one
http://www.eastandard.net/media/Lucy%202.avi


Now let me pen off here and wait for my kifo



For comments you can reach the author via email jmburus@yahoo.com

This message has been edited. Last edited by: jm,

jm

Interesting. Your analysis.

Maria am sure at this point your glad you aint a Kenyan mama..hehe

I sure am.

Think he has got the "Ugandan girl" treatment?

I'll say; for all this to come from a guy; he definately has been with a gazzilion of them "mamas"

Cheka tu Maria !

Dont make me come to Kampala up there and ..

haya .. you have been warned